How To Survive Divorce

Testimony By A Single Christian Mom

Title: How To Survive Divorce

I don’t think that any of us, when we get married, envision ourselves single with children. But it happens...

This is so cliché but it is very true…. I never thought it would happen to me but it did!

I was living my dream; happily married (or so I thought) to a man I adored, two beautiful children, a lovely home and a good business. Little did I know that it would soon shatter into a million pieces. My dream!

The day I discovered my husband’s infidelity, was the day that would alter the rest of my life. Where we used to do things together, I now found myself doing everything on my own. I did not know then that I would survive it but all praise be to God, I did. And now, I often look back in awe, in amazement, in wonder at how God has carried me and protected me with His everlasting love. Every day He has renewed my strength and given me the courage and the will to start over.

How to survive divorce

A divorce brings much pain, guilt and shame. It also brings much suffering, and the road to recovery is a hard and long one. It makes you feel like a failure even when you are not the one who strayed. And when you are a Christian, it feels like there is an attack on your whole being; everything you believed in is being destroyed and there is nothing you can do about it. Everything in your life changes, most of all the people. You find out very quickly who your real friends are. For the first time I felt worthless, so much so that I did not even want to pray. I figured, why will God answer my prayer? I’m a failure; I couldn’t even save my marriage. I was filled with negativity and asked so many questions: Where did I go wrong? What did I do? What didn’t I do? Why did I not see the signs? Was I not good enough? I could have done more. There must be something wrong with me. Why me?

How to survive divorce

Then there were my babies. I would look at them and feel such enormous guilt that I would just cry. I prayed so long to have them and now I couldn’t keep their family together. I’m a bad mother (More guilt). You see, I come from a broken home, and I always made a promise that I would not allow the same fate to befall my children. I was convinced that I would succeed where my parents had failed. Yeah right! Who did I think I was that this could not happen to me!

Now I had to look into my 3 year old’s questioning eyes and tell her that her daddy who she adores so much won’t be tucking her in at night and she won’t see him when she runs into my room to greet me in the morning? At times I would just hold her and we would both cry until we fell asleep. Other times I would get angry and shout at them to stop asking me where Daddy was. And then there were times that I tried to calmly explain to them that Daddy was still part of their lives but he lived somewhere else. I could not spare them that pain, and this for me, was the hardest thing to accept as a mother; that there would come times in their lives that they would get hurt and I would not be able to protect them from it or make it go away.

How to survive divorce

Our family counselor advised me that I would experience a series of emotions and that I would have to try to work through them. What she didn’t tell me was how long it would take and how really bad it would get. I was one emotional wreck. There were times that I would go to bed at night and think that if I wished really hard, that in the morning when I wake it would all just be a bad dream.

Although my marriage was over, I still missed my husband tremendously and it took me a long, long time to accept that he was not going to come back to us. I would be angry at myself for how I felt and tell myself I was crazy for missing him after what he had done to us. I had to face the reality of the situation; I was 30 years old and divorced with two small children. The harshness of it embittered me so. My spirit suffered and I was struggling with my faith. I kept asking,

• “God, where are you?"
• "Can’t you see what I am going through?"
• "Why are you allowing this?"
• "Please do something!”

I felt disappointed and lost. I thought God wasn’t listening to me. All I could see was that I had become a victim of circumstance. A statistic, another percentage added to the ever-growing divorce rate.

How to survive divorce

Accept and adapt, this is what the 3 of us had to do for a long time. Accept the changes that were taking place and adapt to being on our own without a dad or husband in the home.

I had to be the responsible adult and take charge. Part of this process was to let go; I remember having to let my babies go to their dad every alternate weekend. Oh man, it tore me up big time! I would be in tears for the entire weekend, worrying whether they were alright.

How to survive divorce

I tried to keep myself busy to stay sane. I did a lot of soul searching during this time; introspection, self-analysis, call it what you will. My friends became scarce and I could sense their change in attitude towards me now that I was divorced. I started to isolate myself from my social life and started spending more time on my own and started focusing on my children.

I came to the realization that if I wanted to survive this ordeal and be a better mother to them, I would have to forgive their dad and rid my heart of all the vengeful feelings I had that was eating at my soul like a cancer.

I started praying again and going to church.

How to survive divorce

As painful and as hard as it was, my divorce was an experience that taught me a great deal. I learned how to deal with grief and to be compassionate. I learned how to forgive and be the least. I learned to take responsibility and to say sorry when I am wrong. It taught me that people err but God forgives us anyways, so who are we that we cannot forgive each other. Most of all, I learned to let go of the pain that kept me from moving forward.

Although my healing has been a slow process, and I am still picking up the pieces of my life, there are some things I have not quite mastered yet. One thing I do know for sure is that this has all been part of my growth. God has kept His promise to me; He will never forsake me, He will never leave me.

I believe that God moulds each of us for a purpose. He knows the plans he has for each one of us. He will never choose us for something that we are not able to do.

Tips for getting over divorce:

Time to heal:
You will go through a lot of emotions; from grief to anger, despair and complete hopelessness. Any loss is difficult to deal with but with courage and faith you will get through it. Some of us don’t want to pray when we feel so low but this is actually the time when you have to ask the Holy Spirit to come and strengthen us.

Support Systems:
Join a support group - It’s comforting when you can talk to people who can relate to what you are going through and how you are feeling.

Counseling:
- as a family with the children helps you to understand that your children are also suffering a loss and have to adapt to the change taking place.

How to survive divorce

Family support:
You are blessed if you have parents and close relatives who offer you their support. Don’t be proud, now is the time you need all the help you can get.

Routine:
This helped me to stay sane. I think it gives the children a sense of stability. Even now that they are grown we still have our routine and its easier because they can do things for themselves.

The X factor:
Deal with it! Let’s face it. This person will always be in your life; not a part of it but still in it. For your children’s sake, try to maintain an amicable relationship.

Your children:
Love them, love them and love them! Help them understand that the break up is not about them. Re-assure them of your love so that they feel secure. It is very important for them to know it is not their fault.

End: How to survive divorce

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